I’m a woman of words. On paper.

I have a thought process that is intriguing even to myself. Whatever goes through my mouth skips the brain processing part when I’m in a conversation with strangers.

Unfortunately I have to credit this to my upbringing. My family was quite well off when I was young. On top of being a rich and pampered brat, being the favorite child in the family also means I got everything I wanted, the way I wanted it. Things were presented before me on a silver platter, garnished with fresh flowers and fed to me on a matching silver spoon, while I sat on my throne (wherever it was at that point of time). I was living the life of a princess. I didn’t have to answer to anything or anybody. I was spoilt and content.

Such an idealistic living standard, frankly, do not require much brain activity.

Let’s fast forward to real life, 25 years later. The problem I’m facing is rather sad. Whatever feedback that I receive, I am unable to weigh the consequences on the spot and give an appropriate answer. When I am talking, my brain stops thinking. It will be only after the event (The Conversation) that the brain would start it’s processing.

And the moment this mental block comes up, catastrophes almost always occur. I’d shoot my mouth off and offend somebody. Or I’d agree to pay a hefty sum for some product I don’t really need. I remember in an interview last month, the interviewers could see that I was nervous. They thought they scared me. I lamely told them, “No… I am naturally nervous.” I wonder if they believed me.

Is it fear holding me? I wouldn’t know. I’m used to it.

It is because of this handicap that I think better when I’m alone. I am able to burrow into the logic behind the idea and look at it from different fronts. I can ponder alone for long periods of time.

So I conceptualize. And then I write.

And I’m in fact comfortable this way. Tama said this a few days ago:

Fear can be a terrible thing. But this much I know: you are invincible within, stronger than you know, softer than you know, and more carried than you know.

Accept who you are. Work on those characteristics that you love. Excel at what you love to do. What are you living for? Yourself.

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Tagged: anxiety, experience, feel good, life, love yourself, me

Posted in: »Life Experiences